Welcome to A Most Unreliable Narrator, the slice of life newsletter of GenXer around town, Lisa Rabey. I talk about anything and everything with a bit of swears. I’m glad you’re here.

Dear Internet,

Fat girl surgery update

Last week I reported that I’ve lost about 20lbs in the first two weeks or so since the surgery but now I’ve been sitting at the same fucking number for the last week. It’s depressing. My weight loss in the first two weeks was fast and my body is like “Woah, woah, woah! What’s going on here?”

Kate, my therapist, and the nutritionist all have told me to relax. This is not a sprint but a marathon. You’re training your body with a whole new lifestyle.

Relax.

It’s hard to relax when I’m doing the worst thing which is comparing my journey with others. I removed myself from bariatric weight loss subreddits and I’m tempted to do the same on FB. I love the before and after pictures but the “I lost 100lbs in two days” brags depress me. My nutritionist says to step back and look at it as motivation. We don’t see the hard work or the struggle of these people. Their stories are not mine and vice versa. My therapist, however, thinks maybe part of my stress is that I’m comparing myself.

Frankly, if I’m to listen to anyone, it’s my therapist.

The FB groups tend to float towards the same questions over and over. I want to shout, “TALK TO YOUR SURGEON!” but no one listens so I don’t. Answers vary across the board because bariatric surgery is wildly inconsistent of what works, what to do, what doesn’t work, and what to stay away from. My surgeon, for example, said the use of a straw (which allegedly pumps air into your stomach so you’re not digesting food properly) is a myth. I read studies and he's right. Another is the use of carbonation stretches the stomach. Again, studies say no (along with my nutritionist) but this continues to persist. (The only thing my nutritionist said about carbonation (mainly pop) is that it’s empty calories and heightens the creation of insulin in the body. It does not stretch your stomach. If that were true, my old stomach would be the size of Texas from all the pop I’ve had over the years.)

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I used to think getting the surgery was the easy way out and it’s not for a lot of reasons. You’re constantly thinking of food and what you can and cannot eat and if you can keep it down. You’re thinking about how relationships change as you lose the weight. (J calls me scrawny now. I’m not sure how someone who weighs 297 is scrawny but ok.) You’re thinking about your own body dysmorphia, because it is totally there, and how to work with it.

The surgery is no joke.

And I’m struggling; sometimes a lot. I am “overeating” as I’m still struggling when to eat (which is hard when you’re not hungry) and I need a snack at night as I need food in my belly for one of my night drugs. It was easier when I was on the liquids because getting down a can of soup, over a few meals, was easy while now not so much. I’m still trying to plan out my eating to be more mindful, but again, it’s hard when you are not hungry.

I’ve come this far. I’m nervous about the future but I think I’ll be OK.

One step at a time.

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Brain macros

I’ve written this week’s missive a few times, getting down content only to delete it later when it doesn’t sound right. I’ve got a lot to say with my therapist who wants me to write more about my experiences with surgery and my journeys. Sometimes I get tired writing about those experiences because it seems some things never change. It is totally my circus and my monkeys.

I’ve taken this to a few friends about living your morals, ethics, and basically the best life you can have. Long time readers, stretching back decades, know this is not new territory as I’ve constantly been trying to better myself.

I think most people want to do this. They want to be the best they can be. And we’re not succeeding. Not because we’re lazy or there are no tools available, as they totally are, but it’s so fucking overwhelming! We’re told this way, that way. Do this. Drink that. Exercise can do X. X exercise doesn’t work so do Y.

No wonder we’re an exhausted society.

These friends I’ve been talking to, they are taking it slow. They wonder what they can do to make their life the type of life they can be proud of. What matters them? What makes them happy?

Just like the surgery, you start with a tool and move forward until you master that tool and you find another one. My problem is that I create these gigantic lists, because I have all the time in the world it seems, and then get overwhelmed and just don’t do shit. I keep trying and trying only to find myself spinning my wheels.

My therapist is big on self-reflection, self-care, and self-actualization. He wants you to find you truth, no matter what that looks like. For them, it meant becoming a transman and finally feeling free from the shackles that tied him down. I’ve watched them since the beginning of his coming out and it’s been a beautiful thing.

That is something I want to do. I want to break free of those bonds and I want to finally, honestly be free.

Therapist gave me homework today. He recommended Brene Brown’s Living Into Our Values to download the worksheet and really think about my values mean.

I was hesitant to do this. I’ve heard of Brown before, she’s a researcher out of U of Houston, who specializes in “courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy.” It’s science! Her followers, that I’ve found over the years, are over 40 Pilates doing yummy mommies. Basically not my scene. So yes, I’m skeptical.

My therapist was highly influential for me to do the worksheets.

So I am.

One step at a time.

Things I Recently Wrote

If you read #97.5, you’ll recall I’ve ditched the We’ll Read Anything Once (Twice If We Like it) book review blog for a newsletter of the same name.

What I’m Reading

This year I’ve committed to read 75 books via the GoodReads Reading Challenge.

Total: 7/75

Glenarvon Byron’s ex-lover was so distraught about their breakup; she wrote a roman à clef about their relationship
Pride and Prejudice Read this a zillion times but doing a read-a-long for Austen Mondays
Amor Actually Anthology of interconnected romance stories from top Latinx authors
The Christmas Cupid Can Zoey match six couples before Christmas Eve?
If Walls Could Talk Lucy Worsley walks you through the history of the home
A Night to Surrender (Spindle Cove #1) Susanna and Victor are set for an epic battle
A Tip for the Hangman Espionage Tudor era, espionage, and Kit Marlowe!
Madly, Deeply The diaries of Alan Rickman
Lessons in Chemistry Elizabeth Zott proves there is no such thing as an average woman
A Trace of Poison (Phyllida Bright Mystery #2) Another murder at Mallowan and only Phyllida can solve it
People We Meet on Vacation Alex and Poppy: Will they or won’t they?
Lost Connections: Uncovering the real cause of depression
Spare Prince Harry’s memoir

Wonderful Thing

Artemisia Gentileschi (1593 – 1656)

Baroque painter

I don’t remember Gentileschi from my art history classes days. I think if I would have, I would have stuck to her like glue over Caravaggio. I’ve learned my lesson.

Artemisia Gentileschi is a Baroque painter during the 17th C. Born in Rome, she was influenced by her father, Orazio who was also an accomplished painter, who, while not common at time, taught her to paint. By the time she was 15, she had sold a few pieces. At one point, she moved to France where she became a court painter of sorts. She comes back to Italy where she dies at the age of 63 in Naples.

What Gentileschi is known to be a brilliant artist working in the style of Caravaggio, she’s also known for wining a court case against her rapist. In her early 20s, she was raped by another painter, Tassi. He approached her several times, she rebuffed him until he finally raped her. In court, Artemisia’s fingers were tortured (a common ploy) to “force” her to tell the truth. With testimony on her side, and Tassi’s evidence was non-existant, she won her case. You can imagine how brilliant this was for a woman in the 17th C to win a court rape case. Tassi, however, did not serve anytime and Artemisia’s reputation was shredded.

Artemisia was a total bad ass.

I’ve upped my ante that in addition to tracking down Caravaggios, I’ve decided to also track down Artemisias as well. (I’m culling the list from Wikipedia and I’m not done yet.) There is a lot to see.

While much of Artemisia’s work is religious based, as one does in the 17th C, she choses topics and let’s her rage against her rapist paint her stories. Her version of “Judith Beheading Holofernes” is much more striking than Caravaggio’s because you not only see but you can feel her Judith’s rage.

Her other works that explode that kind of rage is Susanna and the Elders and Judith and Her Maidservant.

Recently I wrote on a Substack comment chain about Gentileschi’s work and how I found them to be therapeutic. As a survivor of sexual trauma, she gets it. She really gets what that trauma feels and living with it. Therapy wasn’t a thing until several centuries later so her only outlet was her work.

I cried.

Judith Beheading Holofernes (1611-12) Uffizi, Florence

Lisa Beheading Holofernes, December 2022, Uffizi, Florence

More about Gentileschi:

lisa x

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