It’s early evening on Friday and it’s really quite beautiful out. If I was so inclined, we could take a stroll downtown, but my arthritic ankle has been acting up as of late and I’ve been limping around the condo. I’m just so tired of being broken.
As of today, I’ve finished my third week of working out. M/W/F for 30 minutes. PT on T/Th. Weekends off. Did I mention Future in a previous missive? Maybe? Who the fuck knows? Any who, Future is an online training program that runs far cheaper than what I was paying at the gym. My trainer is a human and I talk to them every day as well as video chat with them every couple of weeks. They set up my workouts, something new every day, and we modify based on what I can and cannot do. We’re utilizing the gym here in the condo building as well as body weights. Today was back and triceps day and my arms hurt.
As I’ve talked about extensively before, I want to run a 5K sometime this year. I’m starting over at the very beginning beginning. We’re not even at the beginning of C25K yet. Kristin asked if I was feeling any differences? Hard to say since I’m self-aware of my self-hatred so maybe? This last week I’ve been obsessing over the dimples in my thighs. I bought a swath of workout clothes from Old Navy a few weeks back and I have some shorts and some 7/8 pants. (I also bought sleeveless tank tops and let us not talk about my arm jiggles.) When I wear the shorts, all I can see is cellulite for miles. Today I willed myself to not watch the dimples of my thighs contract and expand as I moved and rather concentrated on my form. I’m trying to not be discouraged my dumbbell weights are so low (5lbs and 10lbs depending on what I’m doing) but I’m told over and over again some of the arm exercises I am doing are difficult and also, I’m at the very beginning so it’s fine. I hate the idea of just “fine.” Just fine should be acceptable and not a defeat but again, self-hatred and wanting to be the very best rear as Tekken in my head.
I used to be a fast walker, but I’ve noticed lately I’m lagging behind TEH who is a saunterer. I cannot place my finger on why I’m lagging, and it bothers me so much. I get daymares of ending up in a wheelchair like mother did when she was relatively young. Even though I feel strong (enough) and I’m mobile and doing something, I can’t quite shake my possible future fate no matter how farfetched.
I’m almost finished with my fat girl surgery paperwork, all 30+ pages of it. My doctor has faxed over my recommendation letter and the last 12 months of my check-ins as well as my latest blood panel which I scored perfect on everything. No beetus, high cholesterol, or high blood pressure. My therapist has also faxed in their stuff too. All I need to do is finish the paperwork this weekend and fax it in. I’ve also scheduled a weigh in with my doc at the end of April. I don’t know what my insurance requires yet; could be three months or six months of medically monitored weight loss so I’m getting ahead of the game. I already track my food so that’s not an issue.
I decided about a month ago, right around the time I signed up with Future, that my main goal was not so much as lose weight, which would be a boon, but to be strong and stronger. I want to do the things like @iamlshauntay such as plank pushups and skip rope like a champ. Right now I feel clumsy and unsteady. My self-hatred and my belief in myself battle every day.
I am gearing myself to lose one pound a week. If I can stick with this formula I’ve got set up now (work out 3x a week and 2K calorie intake), it’s quite possible I could end up right around what I weighed on my honeymoon a decade ago. This is also good fodder for the surgery since they typically want to see you attempt weight loss before. And I also decided that if I make that happen, I may not get surgery and continue on the path that I’m going.
But now I wait.
I do have another physical goal in mind: 244 days from today is the first day of our cruise and I don’t want to be stuck in the cabin broken.
We’re leaving a week earlier to spend a few days in Rome, where the cruise leaves, and then another few days in Barcelona, where the cruise ends. We’ll be gone for 2.5 weeks. I booked Thursday’s boarding today and I won’t repeat what it will cost us but it’s pricey and I’m thankful we saved up for the trip and her boarding. We’re continue to save for moneys for trinkets and shore food.
I’ve already started my packing list. I’m obsessed with packing lists and capsule wardrobes. The link will take you to all the entries I wrote on the blog of my packing lists when I traveled in the before years. Today’s Wonderful Thing will be Tom Bihn bags which has been my mainstay for the last 10 years. When we went on our honeymoon, our luggage was lost for a few days which prompted the Tom Bihn bags and not checking in a damn thing. That’s one thing about being smaller; your clothes take up less space and you can fit better in airplane seats.
I was obsessed, OBSESSED I TELL YOU, with Outfit Posts. The anonymous author did an amazing job showcasing her packing lists as well as her semi-daily outfits with almost no repeats. 12 pieces for 20 outfits? SIGN ME UP! I’ve been looking for similar things on Pinterest but no one does it quite like OP. (She hasn’t updated in six years. I hope she’s okay.)
When I moved to CT for a job at IBM back in 2016, it was the first time in years I needed professional outfits. I ripped apart my wardrobe and drew up a list and started mixing and matching what I owned and at one point I went almost three weeks before doing laundry. This is just what I had on hand and bought nothing. I’m hoping with the trip I can pull this off. There is laundry available on the boat so TEH isn’t worried but what if we can’t use it? What if!
You know the what if game, right?
Things I Recently Wrote
I’ve started stacking up the reviews which will be twice a week for who knows how long since I have a contributor and my reading speed is fast (nearly twenty books down in the first three months of the year).
What I’m Reading
FINISH A FUCKING BOOK LISA BEFORE STARTING A NEW ONE.
The 7/12 Deaths of Evelyn Hardcastle An Agatha Christie-esque locked room mystery
Reputation Mean girls with Jane Austen thrown in
Dissolution Lawyer turned sleuth in Tudor England
The Historian A 700 page tomb of the retelling of Dracula
If We Were Villains Did he or did he not commit the murder?
The Time Traveler’s Guide to Elizabethan England A day in the life of
Girls to the Front Oral History of Riot Grrls
The Other Miss Bridgerton Rokseby series book #3
The Book of Life All Souls book #3
The Jane Austen Dating Agency What if you could find your modern day Mr. Darcy?
To Love and to Loathe Two hearts battle it out. Who will win
Marvellous Light A magical Edwardian England filled with love and conspiracies
This week’s Wonderful Thing is a twofer: Tom Bihn bags (I have the Aeornaut 45 in purple) and Rickshaw messenger bags (I have the Large Zero bag in tweed) which have become my mainstays when I travel. I’ve had both bags for over a decade, and they still get used heavily and are in great shape. What I love about the Aeronaut is that you can carry it as a duffle, over your shoulder, or as a backpack (I prefer backpack). The Large Zero bag is a great all-around messenger bag that I use when we’re schlepping back and forth to the cabin for my electronics or when I travel. I can shove a lot into that damned thing and still have room. TEH has the Aeronaut 30 and a Rickshaw Large Zero bag as well.
Get vaccinated! Vote in the primaries! Boop a dog’s nose!