A Most Unreliable Narrator Issue #130 Carb Master 3000
My kingdom for a potato!
Welcome to A Most Unreliable Narrator, the slice of life newsletter of GenXer around town, Lisa Rabey. I talk about anything and everything with a bit of swears. I’m glad you’re here.
Those who willingly do Keto are masochists.
There is no way around it.
If I didn’t have my Live Carb Smart bread products, I’d slash a bitch for some ciabatta or sourdough and dipping said bread in evoo and good balsamic vinegar. (I’d double slash for a giant red velvet cupcake with cream cheese frosting. Also, a peppermint mocha.)
I started the first day of the liver shrinking diet a week ago Wednesday and despite my complaining, I’m averaging 40g of net carbs a day so I’m keeping to the diet.
Big discovery, dur: carbs are everywhere.
I made a cup of Irish Breakfast tea that morning and added two teaspoons of Stevia into the liquid thinking since it wasn’t sugar, no carbs. Au contraire mon Chéri, Stevia is carb-y as fuck. I dumped the drink down the drain and made a fresh cup of unsweetened tea. It tasted like dirt but I needed the caffeine, so I sucked it down like a champ.
No fruit so goodbye my precious Cosmic Crisp apples, bananas, grapes, and pineapple. Veggies are touch and go. I cry over missing my beloved potatoes.
I ate celery sticks with hummus for dinner with a side of salami & cheese snack thing Friday night. (Our carrots had an expiration date of October 10 and were slimy as fuck so those went to the bin rather than into my mouth.)
My beloved Milo’s zero sugar sweet tea has zero carbs so I’ve been drinking that down like a camel goes to water. (Do camels really imbibe in lots of water or is that a myth?)
Calorie wise, it’s been hovering around 1750, 35-45g of carbs, and about 150g of protein per day. I’m less concerned about calories and more about the carbs and protein. I’m drinking so much water, last night I was up twice to pee and had another massive wee when I got out of bed.
So much liquid.
For Christmas dinner, J is making pot roast with a few bottles of stout as a marinade and some asparagus for me to eat. A bottle of stout has 7g of carbs and since I have no intention of eating the whole roast, I’ll be fine with meat. His mom is making mashed potatoes and bringing a pie.
I will be eye fucking those potatoes.
I really love potatoes.
I’m also drinking Crystal Light and eating SF Jell-O to get my sweets in. If I have room in my carbs, I eat SF chocolate.
I’m saving my last piece of chocolate from Barcelona for Christmas. Ho. Ho. Ho.
Work has cleared for me to have the surgery, so my last day of work is December 23rd with possible return of January 15th. I’ll be off at least two weeks, possibly three.
I bought stomach binder from Amazon to help with the healing (there will be five to seven laparoscopic holes). It will be especially useful since I sleep on my side.
I went to the local piercing place to have my jewelry taken out. I tipped the piercer $10 (happy holidays) and Aaron did me a solid and gave me the service for free.
My Uber driver on my way home is Polish and we talked about Polish Christmas rituals. It sounds lovely.
I’ve been thinking about the future a lot with my new body.
Whitni sent me an Everton jersey (I couldn’t talk her out of it, I tried) and it’s sized smaller than I had hoped (Not her fault. She asked the size, and I told her. Who knew UK sizing was different?) so I can’t wear it, but I know I will be able to fit into it in a month or two.
I think about things like my underwear and sports bras. I could probably donate the bras but not the underwear which I get seems gross but people go commando in their pants so I don’t really understand why we can’t?
Maybe it’s just me.
I also think about being able to wear my engagement and wedding rings. Not needing a necklace extender.
I think about all of this stuff most days because I feel like this is the big break I’ve been looking for. I also feel like I’m a traitor to fat girls everywhere.
I’ve succumbed to the patriarchy and should be shamed naked down the high street.
I’ve debated about removing myself from all my fat athlete and fat power groups and IG accounts. I desperately want to continue to believe but I know, I know, that my whole perception of the world is going to change within the next few months.
I think about my relationship with J. What if he is more amorous towards me when I’m thinner? How do I cope with that? I don’t think he will since he’s not that kind of dude, but yet I cannot stop thinking about it.
So much is changing.
Yesterday I went to get my pre-bloodwork done and pre-surgery auth completed. My belly is big enough that I couldn’t place the arm bar down over my it; I had to shift it between the folds.
(Bloodwork came back and I’m perfectly healthy metabolic-ly speaking.)
We went to Wild Egg’s for lunch yesterday.
I had a steak and cheese omelet with hot sauce while J had biscuits and gravy, my blueberry muffin and home fries, as well as a side of pancake. I felt super proud of myself for not even eating a single fry. I was eye fucking that pancake though smothered in butter, powdered sugar, and maple syrup.
Man, do I miss carbs.
Today is going to be helluva day. I started work at 7 a.m. and I’m working until 11 a.m. From 11 a.m. to 1 p.m. I’m on a conf call with Norton about fat girl surgery while J drives us to Cincinnati where we’re meeting with Customs for passport control to get our Global Entry interviews done and dusted. We could have done this in Atlanta when we came in from Amsterdam but the fuck twat at the customs desk closed down right when we passed through.
I hope Santa brings him coal.
So, Sunday is Christmas Day. Since I’m running late on last week’s missive, I’m going to skip Sunday. But be sure that I’ll update everyone about my surgery when I’m conscious. The list of people for J to text is getting long as it is.
Things I Recently Wrote
What I’m Reading
FINISH A FUCKING BOOK LISA BEFORE STARTING A NEW ONE.
Glenarvon Byron’s ex-lover was so distraught about their breakup; she wrote a roman à clef about their relationship
Amor Actually Anthology of interconnected romance stories from top Latinx authors
Maskerade (Discworld #18 / Witches #5) Granny Weatherwax and Nanny Ogg are out to the opera
Neon Gods (Dark Olympus #1) Romantic suspense retelling of Persephone and Hades
The Christmas Cupid Can Zoey match six couples before Christmas Eve?
Hogfather (Discworld #20 / Death #4) A festive feast of darkness and DEATH
If Walls Could Talk Lucy Worsley walks you through the history of the home
A Night to Surrender (Spindle Cove #1) Susanna and Victor are set for an epic battle
The Comedians Three men meet on a ship to Haiti during one its most volatile times
Cold Hearted Rake (The Ravenels #1) A clash of wills between Devon and Kathleen
The Five The lives of the five women who were murdered by Jack the Ripper
Teach Me (There’s Something About Marysburg #1) Rose and Martin are in a duel of who teaches who in the game of love
Remainders of the Day Shaun Bythell is back with more stories from The Bookshop, Wigtown
The Go-Between A mediation on a young boy’s loss of innocence
The Madness of Lord Ian Mackenzie (Mackenzies and McBrides #1) Is Ian really mad or just madly misunderstood?
Check out my list for 2022 of media I’ve consumed.
Italy, France, and Spain with a dash of Vatican City.
What more can you say?